People - It's a Numbers Game

No Man Is An Island

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

John Donne

It takes two to tango, procreate, play a game of pitch and catch. Two is gin rummy - one is solitaire. Three Dog Night sang about one being the loneliest number that there ever was. Barbara Streisand sang about people needing people. While being independent sounds stoic and strong, it also sounds lonely. In the poem, "No Man is an Island," John Donne states plainly, yet forcefully, how human beings are interdependent on each other for company and survival.

As 2013 takes the lead where 2012 left off, it is interesting to reflect on the past year's encounters: Meeting people for the first time, how they have factored into your life, how they have played a major or minor role; how some have stayed and some not.

I happened to meet a few individuals who recognize the basic premise that no man is an island and are doing something to bring people together in various ways; one by one and in groups. 

Nightly Healing, founded by Victoria Lichtman, a certified life coach and enthusiast of healing through grace and guidance, fills a need for thousands worldwide by being there, in their home, 365 days a year. It is a nightly program that brings comfort to those who are alone. You can find out more by logging onto  http://www.nightlyhealing.com/ 

Whoever said that it's lonely at the top didn't know about another individual whose path I crossed mid 2012. Greg Bellomy is the CEO to the CEOs! Mentoring a group of CEOs from various professions and career choices, Greg chairs with Vistage Florida. This company has based its niche in recognizing the often solitary work of the hierarchy of a firm and helping those at the top - because it can get lonely up there.

Then there is a wonderful online networking venture, http://www.meetup.com/ that asks you pertinent questions such as gender, where you live, age group and interests to help you establish a fulfilling life that includes new friends and fun things to do. It is a lonely road when you've just moved to a new place or lost your life partner. With Meetup offering thousands of choices of special interest groups you may need to stay in for a night or two to recuperate from so many weekly activities!

Being alone is not easy, but regardless of how your life is playing out – as a CEO at the top of a corporation, a shut-in with only a computer for company or a newcomer to the big city, you don't ever have to feel alone.

Vote for Acceptance Over Tolerance

Today, December 1st,  marks the first day of Tolerance Week. I've thought long and hard about the word Tolerance and I've come to the conclusion that I personally do not care for it – at least not when it comes to people. When used as a term in science and research it's totally acceptable.

And that is when I realized that the word, Acceptance, was one that I could put my energy into and back wholeheartedly. Accepting is appealing, easy, without ego. Tolerance is about taking an exaggerated sigh and saying, "Okay - if I have to." It is about being permissive of others and enduring others' behaviors; about not allowing what is, but what you feel you have to do. It is filled with insincerity. It's neither real nor genuine. It's biting the bullet and not embracing the soul.

"Acceptance is having the faith, despite the circumstances, that all is well."  Having faith is essential, whereas an attitude of tolerance withholds the value of faith. It promulgates the belief that we are at the helm, and this just isn't so. We are in control of ourselves, using our freedoms of choice – no more and no less.

If we subscribe to the belief that God is love and has openly declared we are all one and in his own image, then we might have to take a second look at tolerance and its negative message. To tolerate is to say we have the right and the task of bearing others. This is not of love nor of God. This is man-made and cannot hold up as lovingly as acceptance. Acceptance is inclusive.

"There's so much grace in acceptance. It's not an easy concept, but if you embrace it, you'll find more peace than you ever imagined."

Imagine if this week of tolerance became the week of acceptance. Roget's suggests the word, adopt, as a suitable synonym for the word accept. Think of a mother's and father's love of an adopted child. Though they are not the biological parents of this being, they have accepted   adopted   this child with all of their heart and soul. The concept of acceptance bringing about peace makes sense. Tolerance, on the other hand, connotes open-mindedness. A parent on the path of adoption is not being open-minded, they are about and of love.

"I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others."

The author of this quote, Jennifer Louden, has given us an insightful glance of acceptance and how it starts with ourselves. We cannot accept others if we do not first accept who we are. We cannot change others but we can begin by accepting ourselves, which brings about positive change.

When Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" truer words were never spoken.  To tolerate is to shrug and say, "Okay, if I must." To accept is to breathe deeply and say, "I love without boundary."

There are those who will say it's simply a matter of semantics. I say a week of Acceptance is a week of honesty, comfort, graciousness, faith and love. What do you say?

Immortal Words

For centuries politicians and poets, orators and others have been immortalized through eloquent quotes and passages that conveyed their wisdom and depth of character. They have left their mark on the world and, to a degree, changed the world simply by speaking profound and thoughtful words purposely linked together in a sentence.

Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Roosevelt and JFK are but a few who have contributed beautiful sentiments that impacted the way many Americans think and behave. Many in the public eye have had the fortuitous opportunity to help shape the future for the better.

While not every word or phrase spoken by every living being is "quotable" each one of their words has been expressed and is, therefore, immortal. Both the spoken and written word is capable of changing a person – a situation – a life. This occurs millions of times on a daily basis.

When we use the term "immortal" it signifies two concepts: words that impart greatness, intellect and profound wisdom, and words that last forever: a legacy of sorts.

Words are energy. They are uplifting and glorious when praises are sung as they are putdowns when waging verbal battle. They can heal and they can harm. Because of this, words can be salve to a wound or the dagger that inflicted it. It is energy that forms according to plan.

Contrary to the childhood chant, "Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never harm you," nothing could be further from the truth. The injuries inflicted on the soul by sharp words can cut deeper than any flesh wound. As sound can travel through plasma, the unborn (in utero) hear what you say. In fact at 20 weeks old babies have been recorded turning their heads in response to external noises during routine sonograms.

Whether the words are merely thoughts in your mind, quietly spoken, written on a page or magnified over a microphone, they carry the same energy – the energy of the words' intent.

The harm that they cause when less than truthful or flattering is a double-edged sword. The recipient as well as the speaker is injured, but it is the speaker that carries the greater burden, for no matter if an apology follows, there is no way to take back what was spoken. If only there were a word repository to seal away the injurious sentiment. A vacuum to suck up the uttered impetuous phrase, for sound is not capable of traveling though a vacuum. Unfortunately for the spokesperson, there is not. The deed has been done.

As harmful as these spoken and written words are, the words expressed in our minds as thoughts are just as powerful and potentially dangerous. How many times a day do you talk to yourself through thought, sending the wrong message to yourself?

We must be as mindful of our thoughts, the messages we send ourselves, as those that we send to others. Filtration systems should be installed in the thought process just as they are when choosing the right words to speak to others.

When talking to yourself, use positive words, when speaking with others choose your words wisely, and no matter to whom you speak, remember the immortal words of Nathaniel Hawthorn, "Words, so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them."

Reflection of an Election

The last ballot was cast yesterday evening and the 44th President of the United States was voted into office. Today millions of Americans are either happy or disappointed. Yet today millions of Americans still went to work, school and the gym. Today millions of Americans traveled, went shopping, chatted with their friends, visited the library, walked in the park and texted one another. They ate, did laundry and tried to balance their check books. They lived their lives.

Life goes on.

Reflect on the past months as both candidates battled it out. As they came out verbally swinging it appeared as serious and life altering as a showdown at the OK Corral. Last night marked the end of the road for one and the start of a new journey for the other. Only one would win and only one did.

Is life now perfect for the winner?

The momentary exuberance of the win is magnificent but short-lived. The work may be more challenging than ever before as the President is pressed upon to prove to the citizens that they elected the right man. There is no free ride.

Is life now over for the defeated candidate?

Not at all. The disappointment of losing is as temporary as the winner's exaltation. Life continues and, as we all know, when one door closes another opens. The one not chosen will go on to experience other achievements.

Try using the election as your springboard into the pool of understanding life – drink deeply of its metaphorical juxtaposition of good and bad, right and wrong, winner and loser.

What you can do is embrace what is. Breathe in the moment of what is. Live what is and give thanks for what is. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. However, if we reflect on where we once were and where we are now, we might discover that there were no losses – just a lot of living going on.

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."    –    Confucius

Have I Told You?

 Tell the people you love that you love them. You don't have be happy with them at this moment but let them know. Love trumps anger, frustration, disappointment and hurt feelings. Kind words soften and remind your family and friends of your true feelings, not the momentary upset.

You don't have to say it in person. You can write a letter, a postcard, send a text or email but be sure to let them know.

Why is this so important? Because sometimes you don't get a chance to say it later. Sometimes later doesn't happen. And sometimes later is so long after a situation that a simple sentence like, "I love you" could have made all the difference.

The same thing goes for other sentiments: "I admire you," "You make my day," "Thank you," "You are the best parent in the world" or "If I could have asked God to hand pick my child, it would have been you." In fact, sometimes following up anger, frustration and hurt feelings with a kind word means the world to that person. It doesn't necessarily mean that you now agree with them and are no longer angry, it simply means that the negative emotions will come and go but the love is here to stay.

Sound silly? Why not ask the person you're saying it to. Ask them if it sounds silly to them. Ask them if your unconditional love and caring for them upsets them or makes them uneasy.

There's never a bad time to tell someone you love them or that you care. Never a wrong time to say thank you or you are special. Today let your parents, grandparents, children, sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, cousins and friends know.

If you don't tell them, who will? And if not now, when?

The Never-Changing First Chair

The First Chair is a term of achievement - in most cases a prestigious accomplishment that accompanies hard work and a strong desire for success.

Orchestral first chair refers to the principal performer in each of the musical instrument sections.

Musicians in all sections vie for this metal, wood or plastic seat - proof of musical superiority.

In law the first chair indicates the lead attorney in a court case. He or she decides what actions, research and game plan are to be used to try and win. First chair in a victorious case can catapult an attorney's career.


Yet it isn't only musicians and attorneys that hold this, much sought after, blue-ribbon achievement. Every day many first chair persons of note are celebrated. In hospitals and bedrooms across the globe children are being born and women are becoming mothers. They do not have to work harder or train longer for this position. It is an automatic - like addressing her as Mrs. from the moment she becomes a married woman.

This is a position that does not receive the level of education that a classically trained musician receives. Nor is it preceded by a bachelor of science and law degree that are necessary for a lawyer to pursue his or her career.

As newborns are being welcomed into the world, all over the world, women are being placed into a first-chair position - no vying necessary. Some women become mothers unexpectedly while others have dreamed about it for years. Regardless, the position is filled by inexperienced women with no training or education to prepare them.

All of a sudden they are responsible for feeding, nurturing and caring for this infant. True, there are those who renounce the position and put their child up for adoption, as well as those who have professional nannies to help in sharing the daily responsibilities of raising the child. Others have great partners who share the workload fifty fifty. But to that child, there is only one person who answers to the call of Mommy.

Motherhood is the most prestigious, most important first chair position ever created.  Becoming a mother is special. A mother's watch is round the clock. There is no clocking out. Whether she is awake or sleeping, at home or at work, she answers to the call of her baby, her child, her teenager and her young adult. She never stops answering the call.

The woman who answers to the title, Mother, is not necessarily the woman who birthed the child. She is, however, the one the child calls Mom. She is the one who is there to kiss the boo-boos and chase away the monsters under the bed. She is the one who listens to the fears, wipes away the tears and rallies when her child is in need. She is everything to her child.

Remember, there was no manual available when she undertook this challenging position. It was on the job training ... and she moved forward, often blindly, trying to do the right thing and make the right decision.




Every day, as mothers, we are put to the test. Some days you feel you've done a great job and are deserving of first chair status, other days you're not so sure. You may often feel under appreciated or not worthy of being a mom. There are times when you make a decision that turns out to be the wrong one and you feel guilty and grieve. But think about this ...

Not once did your love waiver. Never did your confusion, frustration or anger deter you from being your child's biggest fan and most ardent advocate. Your unconditional love for your child has surrounded everything that you have done. Musicians and attorneys come and go as first chair.  Mothers are the directors of their children's future and, as we all know, no one sits in the director's chair but the director.

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Dear Important Person (you know who you are)

Following an unfortunate loss, a young woman who took her own life when she could no longer cope, I write this open letter to each and every one of us ...


Dear Important Person,

Science and spirit do not occur exclusively. There is a distinct connection and coexistence to each. The yin and yang of it. The in and out, the up and down. The pull of gravity and the release of the helium-filled balloon. The life giving and the life taking. The inhaling of  oxygen and exhaling of carbon dioxide. 

The exchange is mutual, involuntary and essential to life, yet, sometimes life seems to be painfully fraught with one despair after the other. It doesn't appear to be worthwhile and it often appears insurmountable.

The natural way of life is this: it is given without asking and it is taken without choice. It is not our choice to take it. It never was and it never will be. It is God given and God taken.

From the very first breath drawn by a newborn to the last expelled by one leaving this physical earth, know this, even if nothing else makes sense: You Are Necessary. Your place here, your breath, your participation in the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. You are a part of the plan. Of the big picture. You.

That is the science of it. But what of the spirit? You are the warm, nestling, breathing body - the person that fills in another. Without you, someone, many in most cases, will be lost. You are their saving grace. You.

Make no mistake - each and every one of us is a part of the plan. Do not take this lightly. Your contribution is an integral part of the whole.

Today, as crazy, wonderful, challenging or deceptive as it might appear, know this one thing: You are necessary. So very necessary. You are a part of this world. No one belongs more than you. And no one belongs less than you. We are all the irrevocable heavenly dominions of the world.

Please, when despair sets in, place yourself in the big picture - the one that includes the sky, the stars, the grass, the trees, the people who love you and who are loved by you. If seeing the big picture doesn't do it for you, seek help. You are a much needed part, a beautiful person and there is help. The best gift you can give someone who loves you is getting help for yourself. Please, you are not alone.        www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/                                 

Love,

Deborah